Trance of the Spacesuit Self (AHCW)

Trance of the Spacesuit Self 

• Tender Bodies, Awakening Hearts
• Sense of community, we are in it together
• Tara's Favorite dog story: 

This dog (with a collar, no tag, well fed) starting coming into this home in the afternoons. Every afternoon he would jump on the couch and go to sleep for about an hour. The homeowner didn't mind but after a few weeks, attached a note to the collar saying "Your dog comes here every afternoon to take a nap. I don't mind, but I want to make sure it is ok." The next day the dog comes back with another note attached to the collar, it read "He lives in a home with three children, and is trying to catch up on sleep. Can I join tomorrow?"

• Bodhicitta : The awakening heart. 
• Most spiritual traditions
• our heart is always here, sun is always shining, get clouds always come to obscure it (caught inside a small self, like an egoic narrow minded, more contracted sense of who we are)
• We all go through a "trance"
• A story of a self trying to make things work, or avoid things that don't work 
• "what is going to help me or hurt me?"
• In those moments, are our hearts are not open. Not aware of that "sun" in our hearts that "shine" through us.
• Think of a time where you felt loving? A caring kind of feel?
• Think of a time where you felt closed off, not caring at all?
• There is a lot of self absorption, it is tight. 
• We realize that love, that warmth.
•  As we wake up from that exclusive identity with a sense of self, that is the pathway
• It is natural developmentally to be occupied with the self, but also natural our potential to wake up. 
• Looking into
• How we caught up, our trance of self, how we close down our hearts.
• Explore really how we can love ourselves into freedom
• not narrative self, the character we think of ourself
• rather - how do we love the aliveness that is here?
• in whatever form that comes: unconditionally, tenderly in a present way.
• The Spacesuit Self
• How do we get caught in this identity of limiting beliefs and story line of whats wrong?
• "Spacesuit self" - it is so useful. Every one of us come into this world having to find strategies to navigate. We all develop an ego. To the degree where our basic needs are not met. 
• Our basic needs: there wasn't some real mirroring of who we really are. 
• That goodness, mystery, creativity, and aliveness
• We weren't understood. 
• That need for understanding, to be seen. It wasn't met. 
• There wasn't some quality of presence around us that embraced us anyway, no matter what. That quality of unconditional loving. 
• It doesn't have to be perfect, we all have ego's. 
• "Good enough parenting."
• The need for loving gets met, but that degree of those two needs (feeling embraced and seen aren't met) - we use that spacesuit to navigate, and then our identity gets hooked inside it. We get identified with our urgent strategies for approval and to protect ourselves. To not show others what feels toxic. We are in that cloud, and are cut off from that bodhicitta. 
• What is it like to to feel unseen and unloved?
• Sometimes there is a kind of violence to it
• Comes because of a sense of abuse
• Sometimes, subtle, "if you do it differently you'll be ok" - that is a message of "as you are right now, is not acceptable"
• It can also be a deep "not seeing"
• Story of little girl: 

Her mother takes her daughter to get a haircut. The little girl did not want to cut her hair, but her voice was ignored. She learned long ago to successfully not say what she wants. She cannot grasp her grief, that she is getting her hair cut. "For convenience" her mother put it. Her long waves are gone, they were once evident to the little girl at night, when loosened from their clasp she had secretly felt like a princess. Rather then cry out, she grips her own wrist and looks to her mother in the mirror. Mother is either too polite or reserved, or to indifferent to defend the girl. She then takes up indifference while pain follows a hidden channel, to a place almost unknown to her. Convinced that her own emotions are not the ones her life depends on. She shifts her gaze now to the hair cut now, sees this short hair child as someone else. 

• It doesn't take something violent, or seemingly abusive to have us get the message it is not ok to feel what we feel, and be who we are.
• We then become something else, and start believing that is who we are. We leave ourselves. 
• Charged Stress Loops: Identifying with the Spacesuit 
• Main dynamic of spacesuit self is thinking
• Thoughts are survival based
• What is driving them is wanting and fearing
• The more stuck we are in our thoughts, the more the wanting and fearing are triggered, the more we feel wants and fears, the more it triggers thoughts - its a looping. If the looping is charged, it locks in. 
• Flight, fight, freeze looping. Stress looping. 
• When the looping is coming out of unmet needs (sense of "people experiencing me, rejecting me, how I'm not going to get loved, how I am going to fail, what is wrong with me?") 
• magnifies that sense of spacesuit self
• Buddha: "Whatever you frequently think and ponder up on that will become the inclination of your mind." 
• Scan today, where was your mind today? What kind of things were you thinking about?
• 80,000 thoughts a day, 98% of them we had yesterday.
• We are habitual, whatever we were thinking of about - that is the inclination of our mind.
• Are we thinking about being creative?  Generous? Kind? Grateful?
• Neuro science : the neurons that fire together, wire together. 
• How we think creates a neuro net in our brain. It then triggers the emotions, then triggers more thinking
• Most of us are in predictable looping.
• If it is charged with fear, anger, or hurt - we are in a trance that cuts us off, we are identified with the space suit. 
• Grasping and Avoiding: The Small Self in Relationships
• When caught in trance, we are caught off from some feelings and possessed by others. 
• Example of a man being ashamed being vulnerable, because of the violent neighborhood he grew up in. Dangerous to be vulnerable. 
• It was easy for him to be possessed by anger, very difficult to feel the hurt underneath. 
• He is working on undoing this tough arrogant persona, that spacesuit self.
• Another example : Being told your needy, and too sensitive. (In this example a mother telling that to her daughter). That is so painful. 
• She wasn't able to feel anger, but she did feel hurt, victimized, and the "something is wrong with me," and ashamed. 
• We are all needy, but when we get identified and think we are needy. That is an embarrassing and shameful place. It is so sad. 
• We cut off from some emotions and are possessed by others.
• Looking at relationships
• Our fears can lock us into avoiding closeness.
• That spacesuit self that is navigating and not letting anyone get too close. 
• Because they will see, they will see what is so bad about us and reject us.
• The other side of it, is our spacesuit self is so afraid of not having what we need in terms of contact. 
• There is a sense of grasping. 
• Trying to control to get people closer. 
• Fear of abandonment and wanting people to treat us a certain way.
• Getting jealous of others
• Life, in that case, has our spacesuit self depending a lot on how other people are doing things
• Spacesuit self in relationships: Either avoids intimacy or gets very attached. 
• When there is an addiction, there is a dependency on relying on others to be ok. That is real suffering. 
• We all deal with our "okayness" being about how people are treating us or not treating us. 
• Love addiction: 

"I am not a someone until make me so. Who am I? Only you know. If you turn away now, you'll leave nothing there. I'll be stripped, unmasked, uncovered, I'll be bare. You didn't notice, but I am wrapped up in a chain. It is my own creation, but it bares your name. Don't leave me with no prisoner to blame, except the one who answers to my name. The one who I abandoned yet again. The one who I abandoned yet again." 

• Exploring what allows the heart to wake up
• What stops us from recognizing and living from open heartedness?
• It is when our identity gets really small. It happens when we are so afraid of each other, and create distance. It also gets small when we grasp on and abandon ourselves.  
• Loved in Our Realness
• Meditation on mindfulness can help free us, to rest in something larger. 
• True meditation includes everything that has been pushed away.
• Meditation is authentic, embraces everything that has been pushed away. 
• Embracing is not easy. 
• Velveteene Rabbit: 

Real isn't how you are made, said the Skin Horse. It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real. 

"Does it hurt?" Asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes" said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don't mind being hurt"

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all,  because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

• Becoming real, no longer being caught inside a limited, rigid sense of being. 
• The pathway is to be loved into it. 
• Have to be loved into occupying into our wholeness and realness. 
• Outside and inside. Remember to reconnect with the love to help us become real, and become awake. 
• Any moment of experiencing of being loved into being who we are, is a moment of blessing.
• A blessing is a reminder, a homecoming to real love. 
• When the patterns are experienced (hurt, anger), instead of pushing away - open in a tender way to what is here.
• this is a disidentification with the spacesuit self.
• it only keeps going through its controlling, resisting, and grasping.
• Moment of love, the identity starts dissolving. 
• Spacesuit self exists, who have access to it - but it is not who you are. 
• Practice: Beaming Kindness into the Trapped Small-Self
• Come into stillness, feel breath, and sensations in your body.
• Scan your life, today, last few days. 
• Where have you encountered being reactive? Anxious? Afraid? Hurt? Embarrassment? Caught in a small self sense?
• Living in the whole? 
• Addictive behavior? At home, work?
• Put yourself in that situation, to explore. Sensing what you were wanting or fearing. 
• What was going on in your mind?
• Feel a little of that smallness, vulnerability, tightness?
• First wing : I see the shadow, the trance
• it courageous to see the truth
• we all shrink from our beingness to this egoic self
• Offer a message of kindness. Put hand on cheek or heart (just as you would a child). That tenderness, and gentleness. Whatever message expresses inwardly, warmth and love. Sense what happens. 
• Hafiz Poem: 

How did the rose ever open its heart and give to the world all its beauty? It felt the encouragement of light against its being. Otherwise we all remain too frightened.

• Offer inward this encouragement of life. "It's ok sweetheart." Let the heart relax a little. 
• Sense that you are that kindness extending inside you. That is  more true of you, than that egoic self.

My Notes:

The spacesuit self is huge for me. The concept, the understanding, and the reality of it. Call what you want, but in essence it is this false presentation we have and give. I love the fake it until we become it idea, but that is I'm sure assuming underlying issues are identified and understood, before pursuing a transformation. What is so sad about this spacesuit self is the lies we tell ourselves, lies we begin to believe. I hate mentioning this again and again, but this breakup I recently went through has me starting over. Hence, this study of Tara's teachings and Buddhist principles, among other traditions. It felt so sudden, and unexplained (even until now) why. I felt loved, had no idea this was coming to an end. Yet, he said it was months of it coming to this. Was he in a spacesuit self for those months telling me he loved me so much, and trying to believe it himself. I believed him. If that is the case, that is so dishonest of him. It hurt, all of it. Or was he a spacesuit self when we wanted to convince himself to end this? Out of fear of commitment or "failing" (his words) again? That is also unfair to me. I did wrong, I was selfish in my own ways.. trying to figure it out, is a trance I deal with time to time. Not every day, and I get frustrated that I do. Trying to let myself process and continue letting go of that unknown. This trance is me obsessing right now. In here. Proof! Whatever it is, I can't solve that. It is not for me to solve. I am solving me. I am holding myself accountable for the wrong that I did to him, but most importantly the wrong I did to myself during, and after. I've grown and have become to see things in a better light. Which I am grateful for. I did abandon myself, and I'm coming back to myself now. Moving on..

The dog story was so sweet and hilarious to me, I'm giggling right now. I love animals. Living sentients like us. Needing breaks from life's moments. Naps are important to humans and puppies alike :)

"Bodhicitta: spontaneous wish to attain enlightenment motivated by great compassion for all sentient beings, accompanied by a falling away of the attachment to the illusion of an inherently existing self." Thanks Wikipedia. I love this concept, I find it true in my heart. When am I most happiest? When I belong, connect, serve, and give. 

That ocean, we are not alone. Our trances, anxieties, worries, traumas - just waves in this massive belonging to this ocean. Let them move on by. Surf them, and allow them to go through. Do not resist. Resisting is suffering. It's like drowning, just kidding, "surf the wave."

I should learn to surf, so I'm not just talking about it in a metaphorical kind of way. Or I can start saying body board you way, float... nah, I'll keep using surf. 

The story of the little girl getting the haircut, is identical to how I felt. Explains a lot about me and how I am. My momma did her best, and I hope I make her proud. Just got some new tattoos, so she's not thrilled about that (my family generally doesn't like tats). But even that, I got a big long shake of the head when she saw them. Difference between me now, and that little girl that I was back then is - I understand now. I do what makes me happy. It shouldn't hurt anyone I love, and if it does, I can only hope they know that was not my intention. Ever. 

I doesn't feel good to feel unloved and unseen. This is something I have struggled with for a long time. We moved so much as a kid. English was my second language, and starting first grade knowing mainly Spanish was tough. I felt so alone. I still feel that pain of being alone. I was bullied too. My godmother handmade matching dresses and bows for me to wear. I remember little kids making fun of me, and not understanding, but seeing them laugh and point at me. Ugh, it hurts. Getting teary. It was so mean. I also feel guilt. She made me these beautiful dresses, that must've taken so much time, and I didn't want to wear them anymore because of those kids. I'm so sorry Nina Manuelita. 

Bullying needs to change. I want to figure a way to advocate and change this. One person at a time. I'll do more on this at a later time. 

Because of those kids, at age 6, I began more and more to develop this spacesuit self and be what would be worthy of their approval. Cruel, and unfair to have to feel that way so young by your peers. 

Recognizing now, and allowing these emotions. I've investigated. Time to nurture. 

Okay, so the stress looping. I am practicing and working on that. This is something I may not be able to undo, probably none of us, but I am practicing and working on ways to manage it better. Slowing down is step one for me. 

The grasping and avoiding part in this part of the course, has me just making so many connections. They all make so much sense too. Like, holy crap. This was me, this was him. I abandoned myself and grasped on. I've known, that I used him as crutch. Him not being honest and open with me, was the avoiding. I also avoided in some ways, I avoided my pain but having him deal with it for me. So much to understand, and so much to learn. Growth. 

The example of being told your needy, made me tear up. This has been told to me by loved ones. It hurts. I've been told I'm sensitive before like its a bad thing. I used to believe it was. Everything she listed about this woman, and how she felt. I know it, I know it far too well. And she's right, it is so sad. Being cut off by emotions, and then possessed by others. This is where we really gotta look under the line, and shine that awareness. What is REALLY going on here? 

The section on "Loved in Our Realness" was powerful for me, a good reminder too. The need to authentic meditation is a must. No pushing away, no pretending, but embracing it all. Embracing the shitty stuff and the wonderful blessings. Embrace it all. It is necessary to transform. 

Oh, the story from the Velveteen Rabbit. I loved it, so so much. So many parallels. Becoming real takes a long time, you fall apart, but it is proof that you are loved so hard. 

".. these things don't matter at all,  because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Becoming free, and loving our way in wholeness. Tenderness and gentless. 

"Do you."