David Joe

Grateful for my little brother. 

I remember when my mom asked me if I wanted a baby brother or sister, I said "yes!" I was so excited when I was told my dream was coming true. 

He was born premature, and when I first saw him it was at a distance. I didn't meet my little brother for 2 months after he was born. I was so happy he was here, but I wondered when I would finally meet him. 

The first time I saw him he was in an incubator, I wasn't allowed to touch him. He was tiny. My mom always says that he was so little that he could fit in a shoe box. Two and a half pounds at birth.

I remember when I first saw his eyes open, they looked like a deep blue. He was so cute, and I was so happy to finally meet my baby brother. 

When he finally went home, I remember being explained about how he had to wear a heart monitor (I think is that it was) when in his crib. It was these two pads that attached to each side of his tiny chest. Maybe to monitor breathing? I do not remember, I do remember the sound it would make if one of the pads fell off. So loud, kind of obnoxious sounding. 

I remember my mom giving him baths in his little Mickey Mouse "bath." I remember his baby laugh, and his poor baby cry. 

I remember being protective of him. Family would complain about how mischievous he was, and I resented them for it for some time. "Leave him alone," I thought to myself. 

I remember loving him so much, and kind of resenting him too. I was always babysitting and changing tons of diapers. My freedom in my childhood changed. I'm sure my parents appreciated the help. Play time for me just decreased. 

Watching him grow up though, was worth it. I can't even find the words to describe how amazing it was. I can see why parenting can be so special, I experienced a bit as a big sister with David. Seeing this little baby become a person, is just so special. 

When he learned to talk, ever since he was a baby and now, he calls me "Eñya." 

He was such a cute little boy. I remember taking him to the park all the time. "David, want to go to the park?" He never said no. I remember taking him with me to the store and on errands, he always kept me company. I would spoil him too and buy him food or toys. I did this for years. We loved our time together. It was so special to me too. 

In high school he was always my subject for photography. My sweet silly little brother. I have shots of him with our golden retriever, with him on jungle gym, at a tennis court.. he was so little and so kind. 

I remember once walking in to the living room and seeing all the pantry items lined up to the ceiling. His little face was like "you caught me!"

I remember him begging for my attention and denying it when I needed to study or focus on something, I feel so cruel now. He just wanted his big sister to pay attention to him. 

I remember a couple times playing dead, and he would start crying and screaming. "Denia! No!" Why on earth did I do that? I needed a reminder that he loved me? That I mattered? That was so wrong. Brings me tears now that I was capable of such a horrible thing. I'm so sorry David, I know you don't remember but I hope you can forgive me. I do know he did, that innocent little boy was just so happy I wasn't gone. How could I? 

He has and was always positive, and compassionate. Funny as hell too. I love David's jokes and inquiries. "Hey Denia, did you know... " and he goes on about something I can't even understand. He talks about the animal kingdom, the universe, outer space... Oh David, I love you.

He made me a bracelet in his class once, I still have it. I worry about breaking it, so I don't wear it much. Most random selection of beads on a string, but my favorite bracelet of them all. 

I remember going to a parent/teacher meeting and David wanted me there. So I went. I was told about how much he talks about me and enjoys being with me. My heart melted. I love him so much. 

His little jokes now, and his smirking remarks just crack me up. He is so intelligent. Silly too. Like his big sister. 

He is honest about how he feels, and when he needs to step out for air. Sometimes he can be a little hurtful, but I know its not to be mean, he is learning his way to communicate what is going on inside. A lot of guys cannot do that. I admire David and his capacity to do what is best for him, he definitely is great about his self advocacy. 

Throughout my Masters and on, my relationship with him faded a bit and changed. I didn't want it to, but I got busier and he found things he really enjoys to do that have nothing to do with me (video games, going on walks alone). I'd like to go back to the Denia and David time that always happened. 

I feel like I haven't been there for him, I'd like to be. I feel guilty. 

I hope we can reconnect in the way we used to be. We are still close, just not as close. 

I just have to ask. He asks me all the time, I hope he hasn't changed his mind. I gotta convince him to come to me somehow sometimes, it is just far and a long travel. David likes to do what he is comfortable with and going to places he knows, like we all do. 

David calls me about once a week with the most random voice messages, I love them. He has my number memorized. He doesn't always say "bye" but when he does it's always in the same manner. Like a dip in the "y" of bye. He also always lets me know when our dad isn't well. David is so protective of our dad. I worry about David when he passes. They were best friends up until our father changed. 

I want to be there for him more, and inspire him the way he has inspired me. 

David changed my life. Thank you little brother.