Blaming, communicating, and vulnerability

I think most of us can relate with going into "blaming mode." 

I think what we don't realize is where is it coming from, what is underneath the blame?

Usually blame stems from fears and unmet needs. It is a very vulnerable place to have to be in to have to, not just come to terms with whats under the blame but to also communicate them. 

Vulnerability is hard. Taking the risk is scary. Thoughts that arise from experiences, or imprints, or conditioning arise, like: "what if this happens again..?" or "I don't want to be hurt/rejected/looked down on" and/or "what if something is wrong with me?" Risky risky. Freakishly risky. 

Fragile or not, vulnerability is necessary to live. I don't mean have be alive and breathing, etc. I mean LIVE, fully live. 

I used to believe that when things were happening that I considered as "life not cooperating with me," that I was in a "fragile" place and couldn't take anymore. 

Trying to move away from that mind of "I'm fragile right now" "I can't take this right now."

Not that anyone who cares about me should subject me to "tough love," or bluntness, or hurt - to "teach me lesson". Hell no, I do not believe in that. For the record, I believe kindness (love) and openness (communication) is the highest form of care and wisdom. Without those two, someone who "cares" by exercising an action of harshness, doesn't care about ME they care about the point they are trying to make. Just talk, I'll listen or whoever you need to communicate with they will too. Someone who cares listens. Listening, by the way, is COMMUNICATION. That openness to not be close minded, but available to understand and see things from a perspective you never knew or understood. Don't we exist to love and serve one another? If we don't understand someone, shouldn't we maybe try to rather than separate ourselves? Again.. don't we exist to love and serve one another? How can we if we are unwilling to know what its like to be that other person? That aspiration to understand what it is like to be someone else, comes from a place of compassion, and a place of love. We are compassionate, loving beings. How else could we explain our love for our values? Our family? Our cause? Our children? Our friends?

Back to vulnerability. We become vulnerable because we believe it is worth it, because we feel safe. When that safety is lost, vulnerability just seems like a bad idea for the future. We may hold resentment and fear to have that again with the same person or anyone else after. 

Truth is, vulnerability like I said earlier, is just part of being fully alive. It sucks when it sucks, but when it is wonderful. Damn, is it wonderful. Gain and loss. Living with a sense of understanding that nothing is certain is the way. 

Without vulnerability, we are numb to real connections and to what is truly around us. Vulnerability is power, it is an opportunity to understand humanity. 

*there is a good TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability, PLEASE check it out. 

Next question: When is it helpful to express difficult needs? 

Is it productive for yourself and others?

Where is the unmet need or blame... where is it coming from?

Is it an unmet need for safety and approval?

If so, for one - that result is uncertain. Two - looking for confirmations for safety and approval can exist one moment and change the next. It is uncertain. It is in constant flux. 

Check your intention, your aspiration, before speaking. What do you need? 

Is it to be open or to feel approval?

I feel like social media is a big place (at least for me) to seek approval. It sounds stupid, but I know I am not alone, but the number of likes and positive comments on posts - yeah. It ALWAYS feels good. 

Why the need for approval from others? 

To be open, without judgement, and listen.. Is that truly possible within you? It should be. Why look for approval when one can try to connect or understand another being without judgment? Maybe someone isn't as bright as you are, maybe your light and awareness can provide a path for them? Maybe someone is imprisoned in thoughts and beliefs, maybe your compassion and outreach can pull them out?

Reaching out, modeling openness, are these not signs of love? 

No one learns from fear, well, at least I don't. Love though, that is nurturing. That is taking care of the "planted seed." Being harsh and/or cruel by judging, that is stomping on the seed. What fruits can bear from a seed that is stomped at and mistreated?

Always treat those you disagree with, with kindness. If they are not kind, what do you have to lose? Embody kindness. Make your aspiration to be kind, no matter what comes or who says what. Aspire to be kind. Maybe  you can inspire an unkind person. How amazing would that be?

Thesaurus words for kindness: patience, helpfulness, gentleness, goodness, grace, heart, altruism, affection, tolerance, humanity, tenderness, sympathy... 

May we aspire to be kind. 

Fighting someone or a group on a belief or assumption is pointless. It is suffering. 

Try to understand where they are coming from, from a place of patience, tolerance, and gentleness. Whether people are stupid or ignorant (judgments), people sometimes just lack awareness. It may not be their fault. Try to understand what it is like to be them. What led them here to this place and way of thinking..

Show them the way with your light of awareness without expecting anything, because life is uncertain. Nothing is certain, everything is in flux. Show them the way and maybe they will join spreading your light, our light. 

Why not have an inner peace with the uncertainty and trust that the inner peace will get us through anything? 

Why blame when we can ask questions and try to understand. Why not try to continue to connect?

Deepen the sense of understanding and connection. 

Express something that will allot us to serve our connection. 

It is difficult, but where can we find a space to share difficult truths?

Can an agreement on how to communicate truths be a possibility? 

Check in's..

1. Meditate. 

2. What are you grateful for? 

3. What challenges are you facing? 

4. Is there anything between us?