my health

Physical, mental, emotional... is going through a lot. One aspect has made tremendous strides. Another, is dealt with more compassion and awareness. And last has got me like grateful. Grateful it is not worse.

I've been dealing with knee pain since October 2015, and been laying off my love for running to let it come back.

July 2016, I got into an accident, or rather someone got into an accident with me. I had a lot of back pain. Got xrayed and did an MRI, and was told to stop running for some time. Dealt with those frustrations along with the logistics of the process. Still haven't gotten paid or reimbursed for property damages. So the car that young man totaled I get to see every day when I roll in to my street. The wind keeps blowing off the cover.. I'm tired of seeing it and being reminded. I can't junk it until this is all done. Luckily I got checked out again recently and have hopes, also - just got an X-ray of my knee. That is left to determine if I'm good to run again or need to do an MRI there to determine if I need knee surgery. Keeping my fingers crossed. I've identified with running since I was a kid, and these last 7 months of not being allowed to run have been tough. I miss it. I miss my outlet too.

New Years Eve 2016, I paid to go to a venue with a group of friends to celebrate the coming of the new year. About 30 minutes into 2017, I got knocked out by a 40-50 lb speaker that fell from a 8 foot tripod on a step above us (safety concern, will probably press charges) that drove me to the ground with its momentum into a concussion. Luckily it missed most of my head. Paramedics came and woke me up, they cleared me to go home. My friends had to check on me every hour to make sure I was ok, paramedics' orders. Next day I find to have enormous pain by my jaw. I could barely swallow, I struggled articulating words, laughing hurt, sneezing hurt, I certainly couldn't chew (still can't). I went to urgent care, and was then sent to the ER. Eventually a CT scan was done of my head to find part of my jaw is broken. "Fractured at the mandible." It's been two weeks, and I can't play flute. I feel like when I try I'm dislocating my jaw. Tuesday the doctor will determine if I need surgery, if so, recovery is approximately 6 weeks. More time away from another passion, flute playing. 

May these events teach me to be patient. May I be wise. 
May I be free from physical pain. May I be healthy. 

At this point I can eat, but cannot can't bite or chew, but if I cut food small enough and it's soft enough, I can eat it. Can't open my jaw very much, so haven't had a spoonful of anything - each "spoonful" is more like a 1/4 tablespoon. There's nerve damage too, hopefully not permanent. I can't feel the inside of my mouth or my gums on that side, but maybe that's part of the healing. 

After my friends told me how horrific the whole event was (brought me tears), and learned that no one from the venue came to see if I was alright.. I realized something has to be done. It has cost me part of my livelihood, my passions, but it also could've cost me a serve medical concern (maybe this is) or my life - or worse, something happening similar to someone else. I'm glad it happened to me in what we all agree is the most minor way it could've gone down. 

I'm going to get representation and probably press charges. Or whatever it is I have to do. That event was horrific and easily could've been worse. If anything if the venue could at least learn from this and make whatever they do in their future safe for their guests.

May I be strong enough to communicate with these people. May I do the right thing. 

Life is so short. 

I'm coming to terms with making my peace with my dad by writing to him and trying to talk to him. Running out of time.

It's already difficult to communicate and hold conversation. 

I also could've not made it past 12:30 1/1/2017. Grateful I did in this way. 

I've lost a lot and have made several promises to myself and people I love to never take things for granted. 

Seeing time as having no outcome, but in a lot of ways, time is running out. It is fleeting. Who do I, we, need to talk to, or say to a loved one before they are gone from this earth? Or gone physically from our lives? Can I/we hug them still? Can I/we still kiss them on the cheek or on the brow? Can I/we still hold their hand? We gotta do it while we can. This is meaningful, this is love.. got to express it. 

Life is too short. 

Who would I be if I could let go of all my concerns? Who could I be right now, if I made my peace?

I would be who I really can be. 

Give, love, be forgiving, and compassionate. 

When facing suffering.. when I have the options to be outraged or to be loving.. can I choose love and cherishing from now on? Can I let go of the blame?

May I learn from these experiences. May I forgive, let go, and accept. 

When suffering, mentally or physically, may I let go of blame and may I respond with compassion and love.

May I hold these events with an open and patient mind. May I be at ease and free. 

May we all do this. 

May we all hold one another; strangers, friends, family, all living sentients in loving compassion. 

What really matters to you? 

To me.. 

I'm realizing nurturing other living beings with love, and my relationships with people.