Almost a 100% mindful day, ha ha - I'm trying!
I've been fighting myself and resisting others for so long.
Earlier today I spoke with one of our volunteers about life and genetics, and how that trauma carries on in the genes even before a baby is conceived.
We first started talking about how much we can suffer and how much of it is because of ourselves. Something happens to us, we don't like it so we call it "a problem" and now a problem exists.
I told her about how I learned that there are studies that show that a trauma can occur in a mother become conception and the baby will be born with that trauma in the genetics. It is conditioning and genetics. Basically two things we had and have no control over.
There is hope.. we have control over our mind. That's it though. But really. That is it.
Genetics, conditioning, how we choose to behave/act/think (our mind)... that is where there is hope.
She and I spoke about how so many things about our parents make SO much more sense now. How WE make more sense to ourselves now by knowing what they went through. She told me about her mom, whom was a refugee after WWII in Germany. I told her about my dad, and how we had no father figure and was very poor. More about my dad, he was the source of income for his mother and sisters. A little boy. And her mother, a little girl. Going through some crazy shit.
When there is an awareness.. things make sense. It is good to investigate and look in. Ask "why?" BE observant.
It is highly possible that *for example* people take things very personally out of anger or react out of fear because, maybe they have a trauma they lived through in their life, but also maybe and probably because someone in the family (parent, grandparent) suffered a trauma.
We talked about it for some time. It makes sense.
I told her how I have been so angry so much of my life. Just having this reactive almost involuntary (my untrained mind!) response to rejection or negativity toward me. Maybe someone does misbehave or mistreat me, maybe I distorted my reality because of my inappropriate attention.. regardless, this is not a way to live. I don't want to continue this way. I told her, it makes sense why.
Went to a workshop today at the Buddhist Center too, and it just brought me back to my goals and the changes I need to make to be happy and make others happy. It totally hit the spot. Every time I go, it almost always does.
I am including notes from class and from what I've learned, and everything is jumbled up together. Woo.
We cannot improve or change ("train") without knowing ourselves like the back of our hands. The grooves are so deep, we must change the patterns. "Neurons that fire together wire together." Delusions in Buddhism are to "cause suffering." Being able to identify when they are arising is so key. Give a delusion an inch, and it will take a mile. It is so hard to fall into the influence of delusions. Or feeling wronged, or whatever you want to call it. I use the word "delusions" often, to me delusions are also synonymous with unnecessary drama. We do this with our families, in our relationships, and how we treat ourselves! There is no proof of a delusion, it is not an object, it IS an exaggeration that becomes something that is not helpful. It is only hurtful to us and others. Our delusions or "unnecessary drama" develops more and more because of our familiarity with it.
We have a familiarity of tendencies. The more we ignore the tendencies and do not TEND to them, the more we strengthen those tendencies. Sucks. Can we instead become familiar with why we have these tendencies and then, begin to redirect the grooves and change them for good? The beginning is always the hardest part.
Like losing weight (damn) or starting something new. It takes effort, attention, and heart. You gotta care. You must give a shit about what you are doing. Don't say you don't care. You do. If an emotion other than neutrality arises in you, you care. If you are offended, you care. If you are cherished, you care. If you don't feel loss or attachment or care - then you need to practice compassion. A mediation of equanimity. Something I am also working on..
Without an intention, if our minds are busy (like a bacteria unnoticed in spoiled food) - we have breeding grounds for negativity (illness). Awareness is so important.
Awareness of when we dwell and hyper focus is important too. I know where some of my spots are. I'm learning about others. To be entirely honest, at this point in my life at 29 years old - I LIKE when I make the same mistakes over and over again. The pattern is the flag for me to bring in my awareness.
Maybe most people are better about it than I am, I've been angry and numb and depressed for so long.. I want to know why.
Q: Why exactly am I created this way? A: no choice.
Q: Why was my upbringing a factor? A: no control.
But ..
Q: WHY do I have to continue this cycle? A: I don't. When I know whats happening and am aware of my inner workings, and know what I need.. I don't have to continue this way.
I don't have to continue life in this way.
Talk about liberation and freedom. Ah. We have this power. What does it take to get here?
Awareness, in my opinion.
The example we used in the workshop today was someone saying something mean to us. I've never had that happen before! Rude behavior? Blown off? NOPE. HA!!
But in my sarcastic remarks where I did hurt - I also didn't have to let outer behaviors affect my inner peace.
The example. So someone says something messed up, and we dwell. And dwell. We hyper focus too. "Their facial expression... their words.." This is inappropriate attention. (I want to train harder in this, like way harder - like I need an ass kicking in this).
We suffer because we exaggerate what happened. We create more (delusions) and suffer more. What our mind does, determines our experience.
Knowing our personal triggers is important. "Our buttons." Our teacher said that no one is trying to push our buttons and we must get rid of the buttons! It is not real, nor tangible, nor helpful.. it IS exaggerated (dramatic), unnecessary, nonexistent, and hurtful. So why? She talked about this a lot tonight.. why do we have this situation so damn confused?
I always enjoy the example of substantial causes and secondary/contributory causes. The seed. Tonight was a tomato seed. The tomato seed is a substantial cause. Without a tomato seed, tomatoes cannot be cultivated. Secondary/contributory causes are the sun, the water, etc etc - also necessary for growth. Sun, soil, water, whatever or not.. without the tomato seed, there is no tomato. Without our mind (the tomato seed) we cannot cultivate anything. Despite lack or overflow of secondary/contributory whatever - the seed is the most important.
What do we want to cultivate?
"The heart is like a garden. It can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?"
We don't work with our inner workings enough, we focus on the outer. I.e. we fault and blame others. NO ONE is responsible for our unhappiness, but us and the lens we choose to view our lives.
I REALLY enjoyed the example of relationships tonight. She mentioned how in the beginning (honeymoon) relationships are great until people show their true colors. "I never liked hiking!" People, including myself, put on a good mask until they get fed up. This cracked me up. Our response to one another should be "How dare they deceive me?!" Truth is.. happiness is not the object of our affection, it is within us. We put up fronts, and masks to show our best or pretend but because that is from attachment.. and attachment is not good.. we suffer. The two people in a relationship, initially, don't exist. Two people are playing each other for fools.
Attachment, like our teacher said, builds someone up and when they screw up (because UHHH they're responsible for our happiness!!!! sarcasm on my end) we then become angry. Attachment builds them up and anger tears them down.
The mind of anger sucks! It is destructive as hell. Like a elephant trampling through the forest destroying everything in its path.. anger does the same for us and our happiness and inner peace.
Like a wild elephant our wishes are constantly changing too. And contradicting themselves! OMG this is so true for me. Also the contradicting myself and yet, expecting others to keep up and provide what I need. WTH. I'm certainly not alone here.
I want to be philanthropist. I want to do education reform. I want to do a Iron Man. I want to be a loving wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to start a company. I want to make an album. I want to start a music program. I want to I want I want to I want to..
All these things.. they cannot happen at the same time and maybe not in a life time.
My life's unfolding is quite interesting!
I can say however that my wishes are always changing. I don't know what I want right now. In limbo. I've always wanted a set of things that I may or may not have one day. Regardless, I know that I do want inner peace, and some world peace. I know the latter is tougher, but I can keep praying and keep modeling. When there is an accumulation of people with similar hopes and desires.. there is always hope for change. It may take past our lifetime, or lifetimes.. whatever it is, the possibility starts with each individual. We must encourage this. No matter where it gets us while we are alive, it matters.
We need to know our delusions/issues/conditioning/genetics blah blah blah.
Knowing and being alert and mindful makes room for change and growth.
"I am not this anger." I'm not. I can be angry, but I am not an angry person. The mind of anger seduces me at times, but this isn't me.
We must fault and blame, not ourselves, but our deluded and harmful states. We mustn't fault nor blame others, the only fault and blame we can do is to our delusions. That is our created and distorted reality.
"Purge faults within us like bad blood."
I'm getting to know my issues, you know yours? You care enough to do something about it for a change in pace for your life?
We so easily find faults in others. Way too easily. Embarrassing.
This is a reflection of our negative-filled mind. It is projecting something that needs attention. It is a need.
How can we reframe it? "My kind spiritual teacher...."
Fault/blame/etc anger and delusions. Then respond with love and compassion.
Imagine, something I'm familiar with recently, someone treating you in a hurtful way. They are suffering. Instead of getting defensive, respond from a way of love and compassion. This hatred and hurt, is coming from somewhere. Better to wish them well than to harm back.
Alertness, mindfulness, and disciple is all we need. Take note, keep yourself on check, and check in. Like the gym, like practicing music, whatever. Take note and keep track and check in.
Mental vigilance. I am working on this one.
Mindfulness. Also working on this.
Equanimity.. all beings, are equal. Treat all with love and compassion - friends, strangers, and enemies alike.
We have to go in to go out. Investigate, give care. Whatever it is.. gotta go in before coming out.
One of the biggest things that caught me today was karma. Earlier today I told my boss how all these unfortunate events are the result of my karma. She said "your karma is bad." And at first I was offended a bit. My karma is bad? Then I hit that point of "of course it is. You suck." After tonight's class I saw it as not having a choice but making the best of my circumstances. We use practical measures to solve it... if it is not solvable, that is our wall of our karma.
Karma is kicking my ass lately, but I'm ok with it. I'll see it through. I knew I had to.
There is room for development and for change, and I'll take it - we all got this.
Earlier today I spoke with one of our volunteers about life and genetics, and how that trauma carries on in the genes even before a baby is conceived.
We first started talking about how much we can suffer and how much of it is because of ourselves. Something happens to us, we don't like it so we call it "a problem" and now a problem exists.
I told her about how I learned that there are studies that show that a trauma can occur in a mother become conception and the baby will be born with that trauma in the genetics. It is conditioning and genetics. Basically two things we had and have no control over.
There is hope.. we have control over our mind. That's it though. But really. That is it.
Genetics, conditioning, how we choose to behave/act/think (our mind)... that is where there is hope.
She and I spoke about how so many things about our parents make SO much more sense now. How WE make more sense to ourselves now by knowing what they went through. She told me about her mom, whom was a refugee after WWII in Germany. I told her about my dad, and how we had no father figure and was very poor. More about my dad, he was the source of income for his mother and sisters. A little boy. And her mother, a little girl. Going through some crazy shit.
When there is an awareness.. things make sense. It is good to investigate and look in. Ask "why?" BE observant.
It is highly possible that *for example* people take things very personally out of anger or react out of fear because, maybe they have a trauma they lived through in their life, but also maybe and probably because someone in the family (parent, grandparent) suffered a trauma.
We talked about it for some time. It makes sense.
I told her how I have been so angry so much of my life. Just having this reactive almost involuntary (my untrained mind!) response to rejection or negativity toward me. Maybe someone does misbehave or mistreat me, maybe I distorted my reality because of my inappropriate attention.. regardless, this is not a way to live. I don't want to continue this way. I told her, it makes sense why.
Went to a workshop today at the Buddhist Center too, and it just brought me back to my goals and the changes I need to make to be happy and make others happy. It totally hit the spot. Every time I go, it almost always does.
I am including notes from class and from what I've learned, and everything is jumbled up together. Woo.
We cannot improve or change ("train") without knowing ourselves like the back of our hands. The grooves are so deep, we must change the patterns. "Neurons that fire together wire together." Delusions in Buddhism are to "cause suffering." Being able to identify when they are arising is so key. Give a delusion an inch, and it will take a mile. It is so hard to fall into the influence of delusions. Or feeling wronged, or whatever you want to call it. I use the word "delusions" often, to me delusions are also synonymous with unnecessary drama. We do this with our families, in our relationships, and how we treat ourselves! There is no proof of a delusion, it is not an object, it IS an exaggeration that becomes something that is not helpful. It is only hurtful to us and others. Our delusions or "unnecessary drama" develops more and more because of our familiarity with it.
We have a familiarity of tendencies. The more we ignore the tendencies and do not TEND to them, the more we strengthen those tendencies. Sucks. Can we instead become familiar with why we have these tendencies and then, begin to redirect the grooves and change them for good? The beginning is always the hardest part.
Like losing weight (damn) or starting something new. It takes effort, attention, and heart. You gotta care. You must give a shit about what you are doing. Don't say you don't care. You do. If an emotion other than neutrality arises in you, you care. If you are offended, you care. If you are cherished, you care. If you don't feel loss or attachment or care - then you need to practice compassion. A mediation of equanimity. Something I am also working on..
Without an intention, if our minds are busy (like a bacteria unnoticed in spoiled food) - we have breeding grounds for negativity (illness). Awareness is so important.
Awareness of when we dwell and hyper focus is important too. I know where some of my spots are. I'm learning about others. To be entirely honest, at this point in my life at 29 years old - I LIKE when I make the same mistakes over and over again. The pattern is the flag for me to bring in my awareness.
Maybe most people are better about it than I am, I've been angry and numb and depressed for so long.. I want to know why.
Q: Why exactly am I created this way? A: no choice.
Q: Why was my upbringing a factor? A: no control.
But ..
Q: WHY do I have to continue this cycle? A: I don't. When I know whats happening and am aware of my inner workings, and know what I need.. I don't have to continue this way.
I don't have to continue life in this way.
Talk about liberation and freedom. Ah. We have this power. What does it take to get here?
Awareness, in my opinion.
The example we used in the workshop today was someone saying something mean to us. I've never had that happen before! Rude behavior? Blown off? NOPE. HA!!
But in my sarcastic remarks where I did hurt - I also didn't have to let outer behaviors affect my inner peace.
The example. So someone says something messed up, and we dwell. And dwell. We hyper focus too. "Their facial expression... their words.." This is inappropriate attention. (I want to train harder in this, like way harder - like I need an ass kicking in this).
We suffer because we exaggerate what happened. We create more (delusions) and suffer more. What our mind does, determines our experience.
Knowing our personal triggers is important. "Our buttons." Our teacher said that no one is trying to push our buttons and we must get rid of the buttons! It is not real, nor tangible, nor helpful.. it IS exaggerated (dramatic), unnecessary, nonexistent, and hurtful. So why? She talked about this a lot tonight.. why do we have this situation so damn confused?
I always enjoy the example of substantial causes and secondary/contributory causes. The seed. Tonight was a tomato seed. The tomato seed is a substantial cause. Without a tomato seed, tomatoes cannot be cultivated. Secondary/contributory causes are the sun, the water, etc etc - also necessary for growth. Sun, soil, water, whatever or not.. without the tomato seed, there is no tomato. Without our mind (the tomato seed) we cannot cultivate anything. Despite lack or overflow of secondary/contributory whatever - the seed is the most important.
What do we want to cultivate?
"The heart is like a garden. It can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?"
We don't work with our inner workings enough, we focus on the outer. I.e. we fault and blame others. NO ONE is responsible for our unhappiness, but us and the lens we choose to view our lives.
I REALLY enjoyed the example of relationships tonight. She mentioned how in the beginning (honeymoon) relationships are great until people show their true colors. "I never liked hiking!" People, including myself, put on a good mask until they get fed up. This cracked me up. Our response to one another should be "How dare they deceive me?!" Truth is.. happiness is not the object of our affection, it is within us. We put up fronts, and masks to show our best or pretend but because that is from attachment.. and attachment is not good.. we suffer. The two people in a relationship, initially, don't exist. Two people are playing each other for fools.
Attachment, like our teacher said, builds someone up and when they screw up (because UHHH they're responsible for our happiness!!!! sarcasm on my end) we then become angry. Attachment builds them up and anger tears them down.
The mind of anger sucks! It is destructive as hell. Like a elephant trampling through the forest destroying everything in its path.. anger does the same for us and our happiness and inner peace.
Like a wild elephant our wishes are constantly changing too. And contradicting themselves! OMG this is so true for me. Also the contradicting myself and yet, expecting others to keep up and provide what I need. WTH. I'm certainly not alone here.
I want to be philanthropist. I want to do education reform. I want to do a Iron Man. I want to be a loving wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to start a company. I want to make an album. I want to start a music program. I want to I want I want to I want to..
All these things.. they cannot happen at the same time and maybe not in a life time.
My life's unfolding is quite interesting!
I can say however that my wishes are always changing. I don't know what I want right now. In limbo. I've always wanted a set of things that I may or may not have one day. Regardless, I know that I do want inner peace, and some world peace. I know the latter is tougher, but I can keep praying and keep modeling. When there is an accumulation of people with similar hopes and desires.. there is always hope for change. It may take past our lifetime, or lifetimes.. whatever it is, the possibility starts with each individual. We must encourage this. No matter where it gets us while we are alive, it matters.
We need to know our delusions/issues/conditioning/genetics blah blah blah.
Knowing and being alert and mindful makes room for change and growth.
"I am not this anger." I'm not. I can be angry, but I am not an angry person. The mind of anger seduces me at times, but this isn't me.
We must fault and blame, not ourselves, but our deluded and harmful states. We mustn't fault nor blame others, the only fault and blame we can do is to our delusions. That is our created and distorted reality.
"Purge faults within us like bad blood."
I'm getting to know my issues, you know yours? You care enough to do something about it for a change in pace for your life?
We so easily find faults in others. Way too easily. Embarrassing.
This is a reflection of our negative-filled mind. It is projecting something that needs attention. It is a need.
How can we reframe it? "My kind spiritual teacher...."
Fault/blame/etc anger and delusions. Then respond with love and compassion.
Imagine, something I'm familiar with recently, someone treating you in a hurtful way. They are suffering. Instead of getting defensive, respond from a way of love and compassion. This hatred and hurt, is coming from somewhere. Better to wish them well than to harm back.
Alertness, mindfulness, and disciple is all we need. Take note, keep yourself on check, and check in. Like the gym, like practicing music, whatever. Take note and keep track and check in.
Mental vigilance. I am working on this one.
Mindfulness. Also working on this.
Equanimity.. all beings, are equal. Treat all with love and compassion - friends, strangers, and enemies alike.
We have to go in to go out. Investigate, give care. Whatever it is.. gotta go in before coming out.
One of the biggest things that caught me today was karma. Earlier today I told my boss how all these unfortunate events are the result of my karma. She said "your karma is bad." And at first I was offended a bit. My karma is bad? Then I hit that point of "of course it is. You suck." After tonight's class I saw it as not having a choice but making the best of my circumstances. We use practical measures to solve it... if it is not solvable, that is our wall of our karma.
Karma is kicking my ass lately, but I'm ok with it. I'll see it through. I knew I had to.
There is room for development and for change, and I'll take it - we all got this.
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