Our shared prayer - that all beings will unfold
This podcast got me really interested in how we communicate with other people we love. I learned a lot, and took some brief notes on Saturday. This Part 3 led me to listen and learn from Part 2, and Part 1 - and complete the set. I'll include more in-depth notes tonight. Again, some in my words.. mostly in the words of Tara.
https://www.tarabrach.com/seeking-whats-true-pt3/
Seeking What's True (Part III)
Review..
Part I : Radical Self Honesty, getting really honest with ourselves about what is true.
Part II : Deepening that inquiry with that question of "who am I really?" The deepest of truths.
Part III : Bring that inquiry of whats true, and speaking truth into our relationships with each other.
A lot of research on human deception.
Human's lie ten times a week. One study shows, we lie to appear more likable or more confident. Says 60% of people given a ten minute conversation will lie 2-3 lies. Women are more likely to lie to make the person they are talking to feel good, and men are more likely to lie to make themselves look better. Research.
We can know intuitively and through research that deception prevents intimacy.
Adrienne Rich: "An honorable human relationship, that is one of two people have the right to use the word love. It is a process of deepening the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. "
Love is the process of deepening the truths that we can tell each other.
In an evolutionary perspective, that honesty evolves our consciousness. Wake up out of our self-enclosed reality and be in this fertile mix of a larger shared truth. And realize the connectedness that is there. Because our habit is to withhold difficult truths, and shade truths and not feel vulnerable. It takes attention and practice.
In the spiritual path, it is one of the domains of being intentional that is necessary if we want to break the habit that sometimes we are not even conscious of the way we present things.
The given, to spare any of us from feeling ashamed, is that deception is an evolutionary strategy seen from creatures from the smallest on up. Animals, even plants rely on deception.
i.e. Coco, a signing gorilla, blamed her pet kitten for ripping a sink out of a wall.
Research shows, that if you say a huge lie again and again, people believe it.
Through the whole animal kingdom, like a virus can blend itself into an environment - we do the same so we cannot be seen. Cat's raise their fur to create an impression of being bigger. There is mimicking, when someone has to power of attraction we mimic them to have the same draw.
Think about it through an evolutionary perspective, so we don't take it personally. We don't say "Oh, I'm bad" because of being misleading, holding back information - its just our programming. You can see deception in children six months on, will pretend to laugh or cry to get attention in a certain way.
We manipulate to get what we want. We create impressions, it is deception.
Look a bit at our lives, and sense what it is for each of us. This is how we wake up out of a trance.
How am I holding back? What would happen if I was more real? What would that be like?
The understanding of what keeps us hooked on deception, is pretty straight forward. That we come into life, a difficult environment, where there is standards to meet, parents telling us we have to be a certain way if we want to be loved, safe, or accepted. So we take on a "space suit self." We develop our defenses and how we present ourselves so we can make the impression that will get the most rewards. And presenting ourselves so we create the impression that will protect us from punishment. Presenting ourselves so that in some way the needs we have to be safe and loved and respected will get met. We each do that. We each have a set of strategies that include how we present ourselves. The more unmet needs we have, or set in because of culture/family/biology, the more we get hooked on our strategies of protecting, defending, and presenting. And they take us away from our real selves. The more we have to rely on protecting ourselves, we get identified with that "space suit." We even believe our own lies. It keeps up feeling congruent with ourself image.
Will go over a few reflections to work with on your own in terms of playing your edge and being more real.
First reflection.
Close your eyes. Think someone you value. Someone you would like to nourish your relationship with that you would like to become more real. You want to experience yourself being more honest and real. As you consider this person, ask yourself this "what is it I want them to most see about me?" "How do I go about showing that?" "Do I want them to see I'm caring?" "That I'm together?" "How do I present that?" and then "What about myself do I not want this person to see or know about?" "Characteristics, ways I act secretly.. that I don't want them to know about" "Insecurities.." "How do I cover them over?" Sense the ways that you hide that. As you do, sense into "what is the quality of connection when I am in that mode of covering over?" "How do I feel about myself?" "How do I feel in relationship to them?"
It is such a habit that we are unaware when we are trying to present.
Greek theater, the word persona comes from masks actors would use.
For us, its such a habit in our nervous system and thought patterning that we actually take ourselves to be the masks. We are the ones covering and pretending. The self that is trying to show a certain thing. That becomes our identity.
There is no intimacy possible when we are really holding up that mask.
To the degree we are trying to be a certain person or cover over something. We can't connect.
"Love is the deepening truth that we can tell each other." Our homecoming to who we really are.
How do we start getting in touch and bringing truths into our relationships?
Buddha : "Speak whats true, speak whats helpful."
It is really difficult to do that. How do we know with all these layers of truth? How do we know whats helpful?
In terms of discerning being able to speak whats true..
One of the most powerful principles, and you can find this in non-violent communication, and find this in most trainings in communication are called "'I' statements." That any time that you are speaking truth to another person, if it ends up being framed around them.. it is no longer truth. For you to be at home with the deepest truth, it needs to be about your feelings and your unmet needs. not about them.
i.e. You wouldn't say "I feel like you're being irresponsible." Thats not a feeling that is a comment about the other person. You might say "I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel sad."
Another level of important communications is your needs.
Under every feeling there is an unmet need.
If you can get the knack of "I feel.. because I have a need to... feel connected.." " I feel a need to..." Then you are speaking from your experience.
For most of us, When we want to deliver our truths, it often has blame to it. So this is where the key training, if you really want to practice deepening truths, notice where the tendency to blame is and U-turn to "what am I feeling?" Not what you did wrong, but "what am I feeling?" and "what am I needing?"
18:50 ish - Example of a relationship falling a part. Really good.
The U-turn, bearing witness to each other. Unwinding the suffering that has built up and created distance. The beginning of connection.
It is the single most common block to intimacy : to blame the other, and thinking we are telling our truth.. the deeper truth is make the U-turn
Next reflection.
Close your eyes. Pause, and let come to mind a relationship assembling where you can sense the distance that gets created with the blame. Take a moment to enter into the situation, remind yourself when you are in some way of blaming the person. Making them feel bad for not holding up their end, or doing something wrong. Then experiment now with this U-turn and sensing if I were not blaming them, what would I be feeling that is difficult? What is underneath the blame? Is it hurt? Is it fear? Is it shame? Is it helplessness? What is driving that need? To feel safe? To feel connected? Cared about or seen? Sense the difference between your self experience when in blaming mode and your self experience of tapping into this deeper level of truth of fears and unmet needs, the vulnerability that is inside you. A question starts to come up... "when is it helpful to express that?" When is it useful to express that? When is it helpful to say what is going on inside of you?
When is honesty helpful?
Second major guideline that makes a difference in our spiritual life - is check your intention. First is make the U-turn.
Sometimes the intention is you might be in touch with some real feelings and unmet needs, but saying them to get the other person to change. You are saying it with non-violent communication, but you are still saying them to make them feel bad. Check your intention. If you really get to that sincere intent. Because you want to deepen the sense of understanding, truth, and deepen the sense of connection, or express something that will allow each of you to be making decisions that will serve your life. Serve healing. In that pure place of intention then what you offer out will not be felt as threatening. Check your intention.
The other piece, attune to the outcome that could happen from speaking. This is comprehensive mindfulness. Here we sense the big picture, and patterns of our life. We begin sense that if speaking the truth in this particular situation, or this particular time of day, or when they are in a particular mood.. is it going to accomplish what I want it to accomplish?
Making the U-turn, sensing our pure attention, and then that discriminating wisdom of what is going to be the outcome? There are many variables.
One of the key variables is the degree of safety you feel and the other feels when communicating.
Course on conscious relationships. One of the biggest questions I get is "how do I keep on being more real when my partner or friend doesn't have the same intention as we do?" Or " how can I be more real when they don't have the same self awareness or self honesty as we do?" It is uneven.
Take a moment to acknowledge that is the norm that we are uneven in our capacities.
Greatly uneven, when you think it is unsafe to speak (dangerous or threatening) - that is clearly your signal that it will not serve the outcome that you want.
Help bring more potential to the exchange of truths. If there is someone you wan to be more real with, practice where it feels more safe first. A group? A friend? A therapist? A real sense of acceptance, that is the key element to make it feel safer.
When we feel safe just as we are, just as we are, we can deepen our truths.
When there is vulnerability between the two of you, create a container first. Create some agreements about sharing truths.
Vows.
"I want to unfold. Let no place in me hold itself closed. For where I am closed I am false. I want to stay clear in your sight"
We can feel that intuitively, when we are closed, when we are presenting and with holding - we are not living in our truth, we are false. When we express the truth, when there is that clearness.. then we can be intimate.
Relationship.
Container for telling truths that are hard.
A ritual, twice a week check in's.
-meditate, helps get present
-inquiries - what are you finding you are grateful for in your life? What challenges are going on for you right now? Creates a tenderness. Next question, where we feel more vulnerable. "Is there anything between us right now that is getting in the way of feeling open hearted and loving?"
Do the U-turn. Express the feeling and unmet need. Reflect back when the other person needs reflecting back.
32:50 I can really relate here.
Thought's like "he may not want me anymore. I may not be an appealing mate." That is a really vulnerable place to be in.
Feeling irritable, and over sensitive with him. Almost anything he would do would translate in my mind that he is judging me and not liking me as much.
Do the U-turn (I wish I did), and realize the feelings of shame, embarrassment, fear and an unmet need to feel trust, loving, and feeling seen. He expressed feeling powerless.
Have some safety and container for it.
Start to find out what helps us feel more safe, and the ways the other person feels more safe.
That is key. Ways to sit, talk, look, respond to help create a reassuring environment for each other.
" I didn't say anything.. I just helped him to cry."
That quality of heart space that we open to, and hold for each other that helps to create the truths. A space for the difficult truths to be shared.
Last reflection.
Practice on your own, and then in real life. Explore deepening truths with someone you value and someone you would like to nourish your relationship with more. By playing your edge more, taking off the mask, and being more real.
Scan inside and sense where there might be some unspoken truth. Something you feel you are covering up that you are not sharing. Creating a separation that you may not be aware of some of the time. Something that if you spoke might bring more caring and understanding, but it is scary.
Take the moment, as you do this, the U-turn and self honesty, to really feel the vulnerability that makes the feelings difficult to name out loud that are there. That have not been so well expressed.
Is there a feeling of your own self aversion? Feeling of insecurity? Is it an anger and judgement that you have been carrying? Underneath that, a sense of hurt? What is there? Is there an unmet need for more loving, or feeling respect or feeling seen?
Whatever you are noticing.
First bring compassion, and tenderness to it.
Making a U-turn means contacting what is inside us with a real, full and gentle kindness.
You might sense that your own high self, or most awake part of heart really holding that vulnerability with that tenderness. That will make it safer to then share it.
Sometimes to just take a moment to put a hand on your heart and directly give kindness to that vulnerable place.
It helps you stand behind yourself when you share with others. You are with yourself.
As you then sense being with the other person, sense your deepen intention in sharing this truth. What is your intention?
You might sense the situation, the setting, where you can have the best potential outcome.
You can imagine you can bring yourself to that setting, still with that self compassion holding your own being with kindness. Imagine sharing from that place of being aligned, and integrity of yourself. From that deep intention toward understanding connection, sharing your truths.
"We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are. When beneath every attitude is the want to be loved. And beneath every anger is a womb to be healed. And beneath every sadness that there will not be enough time."
When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip on this added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world. Often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness. Which if not put down, diminishes our chances for joy. It is like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then forgetting we chose to put them on. We complain that nothing feels quite real.
In this way, our challenge every day, is not to get dressed to face the world. But to unglove ourselves, so that the door knob feels cold, the car handle feels wet, and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being. Soft and unreputable.
As a culture, if we want to heal the divisions.. we need to be able to speak with each other.
The last story. Long lost brothers.
Explore deepening the truths, for the sake of awakening love.
Open your heart to the light of truth. Feel in your heart your own intention. Towards living from the most living and awake place in your being. Imagining and sensing how to deepen truths with those around you.
Our shared prayer - that all beings will unfold awakening, evolved, to touch the truth within them, to express that truth, to receive each others truths, and to find that place, that heart space of shared belonging is our birthright and our freedom.
https://www.tarabrach.com/seeking-whats-true-pt3/
Seeking What's True (Part III)
Review..
Part I : Radical Self Honesty, getting really honest with ourselves about what is true.
Part II : Deepening that inquiry with that question of "who am I really?" The deepest of truths.
Part III : Bring that inquiry of whats true, and speaking truth into our relationships with each other.
A lot of research on human deception.
Human's lie ten times a week. One study shows, we lie to appear more likable or more confident. Says 60% of people given a ten minute conversation will lie 2-3 lies. Women are more likely to lie to make the person they are talking to feel good, and men are more likely to lie to make themselves look better. Research.
We can know intuitively and through research that deception prevents intimacy.
Adrienne Rich: "An honorable human relationship, that is one of two people have the right to use the word love. It is a process of deepening the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. "
Love is the process of deepening the truths that we can tell each other.
In an evolutionary perspective, that honesty evolves our consciousness. Wake up out of our self-enclosed reality and be in this fertile mix of a larger shared truth. And realize the connectedness that is there. Because our habit is to withhold difficult truths, and shade truths and not feel vulnerable. It takes attention and practice.
In the spiritual path, it is one of the domains of being intentional that is necessary if we want to break the habit that sometimes we are not even conscious of the way we present things.
The given, to spare any of us from feeling ashamed, is that deception is an evolutionary strategy seen from creatures from the smallest on up. Animals, even plants rely on deception.
i.e. Coco, a signing gorilla, blamed her pet kitten for ripping a sink out of a wall.
Research shows, that if you say a huge lie again and again, people believe it.
Through the whole animal kingdom, like a virus can blend itself into an environment - we do the same so we cannot be seen. Cat's raise their fur to create an impression of being bigger. There is mimicking, when someone has to power of attraction we mimic them to have the same draw.
Think about it through an evolutionary perspective, so we don't take it personally. We don't say "Oh, I'm bad" because of being misleading, holding back information - its just our programming. You can see deception in children six months on, will pretend to laugh or cry to get attention in a certain way.
We manipulate to get what we want. We create impressions, it is deception.
Look a bit at our lives, and sense what it is for each of us. This is how we wake up out of a trance.
How am I holding back? What would happen if I was more real? What would that be like?
The understanding of what keeps us hooked on deception, is pretty straight forward. That we come into life, a difficult environment, where there is standards to meet, parents telling us we have to be a certain way if we want to be loved, safe, or accepted. So we take on a "space suit self." We develop our defenses and how we present ourselves so we can make the impression that will get the most rewards. And presenting ourselves so we create the impression that will protect us from punishment. Presenting ourselves so that in some way the needs we have to be safe and loved and respected will get met. We each do that. We each have a set of strategies that include how we present ourselves. The more unmet needs we have, or set in because of culture/family/biology, the more we get hooked on our strategies of protecting, defending, and presenting. And they take us away from our real selves. The more we have to rely on protecting ourselves, we get identified with that "space suit." We even believe our own lies. It keeps up feeling congruent with ourself image.
Will go over a few reflections to work with on your own in terms of playing your edge and being more real.
First reflection.
Close your eyes. Think someone you value. Someone you would like to nourish your relationship with that you would like to become more real. You want to experience yourself being more honest and real. As you consider this person, ask yourself this "what is it I want them to most see about me?" "How do I go about showing that?" "Do I want them to see I'm caring?" "That I'm together?" "How do I present that?" and then "What about myself do I not want this person to see or know about?" "Characteristics, ways I act secretly.. that I don't want them to know about" "Insecurities.." "How do I cover them over?" Sense the ways that you hide that. As you do, sense into "what is the quality of connection when I am in that mode of covering over?" "How do I feel about myself?" "How do I feel in relationship to them?"
It is such a habit that we are unaware when we are trying to present.
Greek theater, the word persona comes from masks actors would use.
For us, its such a habit in our nervous system and thought patterning that we actually take ourselves to be the masks. We are the ones covering and pretending. The self that is trying to show a certain thing. That becomes our identity.
There is no intimacy possible when we are really holding up that mask.
To the degree we are trying to be a certain person or cover over something. We can't connect.
"Love is the deepening truth that we can tell each other." Our homecoming to who we really are.
How do we start getting in touch and bringing truths into our relationships?
Buddha : "Speak whats true, speak whats helpful."
It is really difficult to do that. How do we know with all these layers of truth? How do we know whats helpful?
In terms of discerning being able to speak whats true..
One of the most powerful principles, and you can find this in non-violent communication, and find this in most trainings in communication are called "'I' statements." That any time that you are speaking truth to another person, if it ends up being framed around them.. it is no longer truth. For you to be at home with the deepest truth, it needs to be about your feelings and your unmet needs. not about them.
i.e. You wouldn't say "I feel like you're being irresponsible." Thats not a feeling that is a comment about the other person. You might say "I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel sad."
Another level of important communications is your needs.
Under every feeling there is an unmet need.
If you can get the knack of "I feel.. because I have a need to... feel connected.." " I feel a need to..." Then you are speaking from your experience.
For most of us, When we want to deliver our truths, it often has blame to it. So this is where the key training, if you really want to practice deepening truths, notice where the tendency to blame is and U-turn to "what am I feeling?" Not what you did wrong, but "what am I feeling?" and "what am I needing?"
18:50 ish - Example of a relationship falling a part. Really good.
The U-turn, bearing witness to each other. Unwinding the suffering that has built up and created distance. The beginning of connection.
It is the single most common block to intimacy : to blame the other, and thinking we are telling our truth.. the deeper truth is make the U-turn
Next reflection.
Close your eyes. Pause, and let come to mind a relationship assembling where you can sense the distance that gets created with the blame. Take a moment to enter into the situation, remind yourself when you are in some way of blaming the person. Making them feel bad for not holding up their end, or doing something wrong. Then experiment now with this U-turn and sensing if I were not blaming them, what would I be feeling that is difficult? What is underneath the blame? Is it hurt? Is it fear? Is it shame? Is it helplessness? What is driving that need? To feel safe? To feel connected? Cared about or seen? Sense the difference between your self experience when in blaming mode and your self experience of tapping into this deeper level of truth of fears and unmet needs, the vulnerability that is inside you. A question starts to come up... "when is it helpful to express that?" When is it useful to express that? When is it helpful to say what is going on inside of you?
When is honesty helpful?
Second major guideline that makes a difference in our spiritual life - is check your intention. First is make the U-turn.
Sometimes the intention is you might be in touch with some real feelings and unmet needs, but saying them to get the other person to change. You are saying it with non-violent communication, but you are still saying them to make them feel bad. Check your intention. If you really get to that sincere intent. Because you want to deepen the sense of understanding, truth, and deepen the sense of connection, or express something that will allow each of you to be making decisions that will serve your life. Serve healing. In that pure place of intention then what you offer out will not be felt as threatening. Check your intention.
The other piece, attune to the outcome that could happen from speaking. This is comprehensive mindfulness. Here we sense the big picture, and patterns of our life. We begin sense that if speaking the truth in this particular situation, or this particular time of day, or when they are in a particular mood.. is it going to accomplish what I want it to accomplish?
Making the U-turn, sensing our pure attention, and then that discriminating wisdom of what is going to be the outcome? There are many variables.
One of the key variables is the degree of safety you feel and the other feels when communicating.
Course on conscious relationships. One of the biggest questions I get is "how do I keep on being more real when my partner or friend doesn't have the same intention as we do?" Or " how can I be more real when they don't have the same self awareness or self honesty as we do?" It is uneven.
Take a moment to acknowledge that is the norm that we are uneven in our capacities.
Greatly uneven, when you think it is unsafe to speak (dangerous or threatening) - that is clearly your signal that it will not serve the outcome that you want.
Help bring more potential to the exchange of truths. If there is someone you wan to be more real with, practice where it feels more safe first. A group? A friend? A therapist? A real sense of acceptance, that is the key element to make it feel safer.
When we feel safe just as we are, just as we are, we can deepen our truths.
When there is vulnerability between the two of you, create a container first. Create some agreements about sharing truths.
Vows.
"I want to unfold. Let no place in me hold itself closed. For where I am closed I am false. I want to stay clear in your sight"
We can feel that intuitively, when we are closed, when we are presenting and with holding - we are not living in our truth, we are false. When we express the truth, when there is that clearness.. then we can be intimate.
Relationship.
Container for telling truths that are hard.
A ritual, twice a week check in's.
-meditate, helps get present
-inquiries - what are you finding you are grateful for in your life? What challenges are going on for you right now? Creates a tenderness. Next question, where we feel more vulnerable. "Is there anything between us right now that is getting in the way of feeling open hearted and loving?"
Do the U-turn. Express the feeling and unmet need. Reflect back when the other person needs reflecting back.
32:50 I can really relate here.
Thought's like "he may not want me anymore. I may not be an appealing mate." That is a really vulnerable place to be in.
Feeling irritable, and over sensitive with him. Almost anything he would do would translate in my mind that he is judging me and not liking me as much.
Do the U-turn (I wish I did), and realize the feelings of shame, embarrassment, fear and an unmet need to feel trust, loving, and feeling seen. He expressed feeling powerless.
Have some safety and container for it.
Start to find out what helps us feel more safe, and the ways the other person feels more safe.
That is key. Ways to sit, talk, look, respond to help create a reassuring environment for each other.
" I didn't say anything.. I just helped him to cry."
That quality of heart space that we open to, and hold for each other that helps to create the truths. A space for the difficult truths to be shared.
Last reflection.
Practice on your own, and then in real life. Explore deepening truths with someone you value and someone you would like to nourish your relationship with more. By playing your edge more, taking off the mask, and being more real.
Scan inside and sense where there might be some unspoken truth. Something you feel you are covering up that you are not sharing. Creating a separation that you may not be aware of some of the time. Something that if you spoke might bring more caring and understanding, but it is scary.
Take the moment, as you do this, the U-turn and self honesty, to really feel the vulnerability that makes the feelings difficult to name out loud that are there. That have not been so well expressed.
Is there a feeling of your own self aversion? Feeling of insecurity? Is it an anger and judgement that you have been carrying? Underneath that, a sense of hurt? What is there? Is there an unmet need for more loving, or feeling respect or feeling seen?
Whatever you are noticing.
First bring compassion, and tenderness to it.
Making a U-turn means contacting what is inside us with a real, full and gentle kindness.
You might sense that your own high self, or most awake part of heart really holding that vulnerability with that tenderness. That will make it safer to then share it.
Sometimes to just take a moment to put a hand on your heart and directly give kindness to that vulnerable place.
It helps you stand behind yourself when you share with others. You are with yourself.
As you then sense being with the other person, sense your deepen intention in sharing this truth. What is your intention?
You might sense the situation, the setting, where you can have the best potential outcome.
You can imagine you can bring yourself to that setting, still with that self compassion holding your own being with kindness. Imagine sharing from that place of being aligned, and integrity of yourself. From that deep intention toward understanding connection, sharing your truths.
"We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are. When beneath every attitude is the want to be loved. And beneath every anger is a womb to be healed. And beneath every sadness that there will not be enough time."
When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip on this added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world. Often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness. Which if not put down, diminishes our chances for joy. It is like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then forgetting we chose to put them on. We complain that nothing feels quite real.
In this way, our challenge every day, is not to get dressed to face the world. But to unglove ourselves, so that the door knob feels cold, the car handle feels wet, and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being. Soft and unreputable.
As a culture, if we want to heal the divisions.. we need to be able to speak with each other.
The last story. Long lost brothers.
Explore deepening the truths, for the sake of awakening love.
Open your heart to the light of truth. Feel in your heart your own intention. Towards living from the most living and awake place in your being. Imagining and sensing how to deepen truths with those around you.
Our shared prayer - that all beings will unfold awakening, evolved, to touch the truth within them, to express that truth, to receive each others truths, and to find that place, that heart space of shared belonging is our birthright and our freedom.
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